Hello Grey Campers!
So...I’m not speaking to my best friend. When I’m very upset about something, I find that it’s best to keep quiet, for fear that I will say something more cutting and cruel than is called for. In order to keep my decidedly sharp tongue at bay, I’m going to share my frustration with you, release a little steam, and, hopefully get a little support.
My best friend, Amber, is currently dating a woman she previously cheated on her ex-girlfriend with. It’s a mouthful, I know, but welcome to the land of lezzie drama. Amber was dating Sydney, and started seeing Cam on the side. You with me? So now, Amber and Sydney are broken up, and, after messing around with a few other women, Amber has ended up back on the Cam train, and wants to give that a try. I don’t judge, so I support her in this relationship, and do my best to be there for her. But the situation has its problems.
1. Amber and Cam aren’t “girlfriends.” Cam is too afraid to commit to Amber after what happened before, so they are not officially “in” a relationship.
2. Cam blames Amber for the way that their relationship began (i.e., for the fact that Amber was with another woman when she started seeing Cam).
3. Cam, as a result of the circumstances of their previous relationship, is having a hard time trusting Amber now, and is sort of back and forth and all over the place as to whether or not she can really “be” with Amber.
To make matters even more fun, Cam is insecure in general. I’m going to be honest, and say that I don’t like Cam very much. She is manipulative, and continuously makes Amber feel guilty about their past, when, as far as I’m concerned, they are equally to blame for the trust issues in their relationship. Cam knew that Amber was in a relationship with Sydney when she started seeing her, and she continued to see Amber for 8 MONTHS! “The other woman” knows what she’s signing up for when she enters a relationship in this capacity, and she plays a part in the deception taking place. So really, she has no right to be angry, or to put all of the fault on the cheater. That’s my opinion.
So, I don’t care for Cam. The thing is, I have never met her. Why not? To put it plainly, Cam is a Mom, and Amber and I are both afraid that if Cam meets me, she won’t approve of Amber’s friendship with me. (I am not a Mom. I’m significantly younger and thinner than Cam [Amber’s younger too], and...let’s just say I have no problem finding a date on a Friday night). I have seen Cam out, she has seen me, but so far, no introductions have been made.
So now, to the part where I stop talking to Amber. Amber and I have only been friends for about six months, but in that time, we have become very close. She’s my closest gay friend for sure, and we talk and text everyday, and tell each other everything. She is one of the most important people in my life. Yesterday, we were texting, and I expressed anxiety about meeting Cam, because I’m afraid that Cam’s insecurity will cause problems in my relationship with Amber. I was looking for some reassurance from Amber, looking for her to give me some sign that, no matter what happens with Cam, she won’t ever ditch me, cast me aside, or stop speaking to me on the say so of an insecure girlfriend. This has happened to me a few times before—a male or female friend of mine will start dating a girl, and the girlfriend will feel threatened by my relationship with my friend, and my friend will then stop speaking to me until he/she breaks up with the insecure girl—and it’s a terrible feeling. I’m never able to regain the closeness I had with the friend, because I feel betrayed, undervalued, and cast aside. I don’t want this to happen with Amber. We’re a great fit, and we each get a lot out of the friendship.
Amber didn’t reassure me; instead, she started talking in circles, saying things like “we’re not even sure she’s going to be insecure about it,” and “we’ll deal with it if it happens.” Finally, I laid out what I needed to hear from her. “I need you to tell me that you’re not going to ditch me if Cam doesn’t like me,” I texted. The response was far from satisfactory.
One day last week, I spent all day (from 10 am to 8 pm) talking and texting back and forth with Amber about Cam, comforting her and supporting her when Cam said she needed space, counseling her when Cam began trying to manipulate and guilt her. I was her shoulder, her ear, and her rock, all over a woman I don’t care for at all. The day before that, I helped Amber plan an elaborate romantic evening for her and Cam. I have always been there for Amber, and always been honest with her, and yet it seems clear now that she would cast me aside for Cam, even though she hasn’t said so in so many words. And that hurts more than you know.
So what do I do? I texted her a couple of times yesterday, a few of hours after our conversation about my meeting Cam, to tell her that I needed to talk to her, and that it was really important. She didn’t respond until this morning. (If I take even an hour responding to Amber’s texts, she gives me shit about it!) She has texted me four times since this morning, but I don’t know what to say. I’m angry at her for something that she hasn’t even done yet, but I know she will.
There’s not a woman in the world who could come into my life and so command my heart that I would give up my friends. Friends are better than family in many ways to me—they are chosen family. I guess I just need to find more people who feel the same way. What about you, Grey people? What do your friends mean to you? Would you ditch a close friend at the say so of your significant other?
I can’t compete with Cam. No matter how much I love Amber, I don’t lick her vagina, and I don’t keep her warm at night. But really I shouldn’t have to compete, should I? I don’t think that friends and lovers shouldn’t occupy the same space in a person’s heart. One should never edge the other out. I love Amber—she’s got her own place in my heart. But I guess I’ll just have to sit here, waiting to see if she’ll make room in hers for me.
Peace and Love and Bugs Named Doug,