Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Coming out of hiding for a special bulletin: DON'T TELL ME ABOUT MY VAGINA!

Grey People, Grey People, Grey People!

Oh how I have missed you. I didn't think I'd find myself here again any time soon (I'm working on my book, sorry!), but I read an article today, and I had to come out of hiding for this very important bulletin: Don't tell me about my vagina! Especially, if you're going to do it like this:

I was reading this article this morning, and all I could think was, "There is no way that this was written by someone who actually HAS a vagina." Because nobody who is lucky enough to be a part of the pussy parade would ever talk about her coochie that way, right?! Wrong. And so, in defense of the diamonds at the meeting of my thighs, this was the response that I posted:

As a professed pussy lover, I have to say that this article hardly makes me want to call up my ex and put my face between her legs! When you call it "salsa," and "vaginal discharge," and use words such as "acidic bacteria" and "nasty intruders," it's no wonder that men everywhere are looking for a get-out-of-jail-free card! Now, I confess that I don't know much about "blow jobs," but back in the days before I realized that it was more than just the smell of them (and all of that hair...everywhere) that made me un-attracted to men, if someone had described semen as a "milky acidic substance that smells sort of bleachy, with a consistency somewhere between snot and hair gel" I would have come to terms with my homosexuality a lot sooner, if you know what I mean.

When they are clean, most vagina's have a mild scent, and the natural lubricant that they produce is warm, smooth, and can have a variety of lovely tastes, from sweet and salty to sour and tart; vagina much more closely resembles my favorite GoBerry flavor than it does a Bueno y Sano fish taco (although I love the fish tacos from Bueno!) As the walls of the vagina contract and expand with arousal, pleasurable textures and contours can be felt, and moisture often increases with arousal. Vagina is a delicacy, and just like many exotic cuisines, it is an acquired taste. And if men hope to get their ladies (or gentleman) anywhere near that bleachy squirt gun and chicken-skin ball sack, it's a taste that I suggest they acquire.

For clarification, Bueno y Sano is a burrito shop, and GoBerry is a frozen yogurt joint.

So, Grey People, read the article, and tell me what you think! And if you feel the desire, stand up for your pussy, and for pussies everywhere. Because, I don't know about you, but my Va-Jay-Jay does not now, nor has it EVER tasted like salsa!

Peace and love and bugs named Doug,

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