Good afternoon! It’s a dreary day in Greyland, but I’m gay, so I’m happy :-) I just read a post by Greta Christina about bisexuality (here’s the link, if you want to read it: http://freethoughtblogs.com/greta/2011/09/28/is-everyone-basically-bisexual/) and so I thought I’d write about the poor bi girls today.
I recently went on a date with a girl who identified as bi, was posing as a gay, and had never slept with a woman. As we sat in one of my favorite little divey bars eating greasy bar food and sipping Blue Moon, I got the sense that she might have been interested in me, and might have thought I could be interested in her. After I politely nipped that in the bud and said we could be friends, she started telling me about how she had gone on other dates with women who had never called her back, and she expressed a certain amount of frustration and confusion. I felt sorry for the bicurious girl (that’s what she was to me, bicurious—not bisexual. This is a common problem, I find, and it’s the main reason actual bi girls have so much trouble), so rather than reject her completely, I decided to let her into the mind of a gay girl, in hopes of providing some comfort and understanding.
The gist of what I said to her was that there were two main reasons that lesbians were probably not calling her for a second date:
1) Bisexuality and bicuriosity are not the same thing, at least not in the minds of most lesbians. Bisexual, to me, means that you have slept with both men and women, and that you enjoy both and/or that you have been in a relationship with a woman. For me personally, threesomes are not included in the former, and unconsummated relationships are not included in the latter. The reason that these distinctions are so important to me are that a) as a lesbian in my mid-twenties, I don’t have any desire to be anyone’s first. I have been on both ends of this before, and have been burned both ways. My first girlfriend was 22; I was 18 (this is the “Kara” I spoke of in an earlier post). When she graduated at the end of my freshman year, it was a given that we’d break up. We were in completely different places in our lives, and in our sexual journeys. I wasn’t identifying myself as gay (or bisexual, or anything. I had never been with a man), and she was already sure of who she was. While, rationally, I understood this, I was still completely heartbroken, confused, and alone when she left. I still think about her all the time. The following year, when I started seeing Sarah, I experienced the other end of things, when she continually said, “I’m not gay.” This is a homosexual’s worst nightmare. I still didn’t identify as gay at the time, but I was on my way to that conclusion, and Sarah’s near-constant declarations that she was straight shattered me, and made my coming out process significantly longer and infinitely more painful. Even if I were dating her now, the persistent “I’m not gay” defamations would be difficult to take. The other reason it’s important to delineate between bisexual and bicurious is that b) even though I can completely empathize with the bicurious women out there, at this point in my life, I am not looking to participate in anyone’s sexual awakening. I’m looking for a partner who knows she wants to be in a relationship with a woman. Finding a compatible partner is hard enough without having to worry that the person you fall in love with is unsure of her sexual orientation and that you might be disqualified later simply for having a vagina. We all remember Tina’s “slip” on The L Word, and we realize that even a “real lesbian” can go through changes in sexual identity, but my stance is that it’s better to look for a suitable partner in a pool of women who at least seem certain of their sexual orientation.
Believe me, I get that it sucks. The bicurious girl who went out with was 25, so what is she supposed to do? Go find a 19-year-old? I don’t know, maybe. What I said to her was that there have to be other women out there in her situation, or women who have just realized that they’re gay. (I myself didn’t come out and say that I was gay to anyone until was almost 24, and I had dated 3 women by then.) There are lots of people who come into their sexuality later in life, and they’re not alone, so there is hope, it just may not be the best idea to put your hope in the dykes.
2) The other reason that lesbians were probably not calling her back is that, even if they did classify this girl as bisexual, many lesbians just don’t want to date a bisexual girl. I asked just about all of my gay friends about this, and they all said basically the same thing: that they didn’t want to be dumped for a dude. For some reason, even a girl who has been in relationships with women but identifies as bi is a no-go. Apparently it hurts more to be dumped if you’re dumped for a man as opposed to another woman. Why? I’m not sure. I don’t tend to feel this way (that being said, I have yet to date a bonafide bi-girl; I always end up getting asked out by bicurious girls, and I have to send them packing), so I can’t really speak for the bi-haters, but I do have a theory. Penis envy. Maybe it hurts worse because there’s no way a girl can pit even the prettiest, most sparkly strap-on against the real deal. Even the most realistic dildos are no match for the thing attached to the hairy, boobless creatures we mold them from. Personally, I prefer that my dildos be as far from the prototype as possible—give me something in bright purple with tinsel and sparkles on it any day—but you see my point.
So there you have it. I still have love for my bisexual girls, and I truly mean no disrespect. It's a hard knock life. I was bisexual...for like five seconds between the time when I was unlabelled and gay. But then I realized that saying I was bi was pretending I’d be interested in any other penis than those of the silicone persuasion, strapped to a sexy stud with lovely little tits, soft skin, that curve in her back, and, oh yeah, a vagina.
Peace and love and bugs named Doug,