Thursday, October 6, 2011

The Perks of Living in a Gay World

Hello from the Grey Space. I am feeling particularly gray today, as I received some very upsetting news two days ago. So today’s post is in response to the epidemic of gay children committing suicide as a result of relentless bullying, tormenting, and torturing they are forced to bare. It is dedicated to Kwame, a flamboyant and hilarious little gay kid who is no longer with us. He was funny, so I’ll try to make this at least a little comical, in his honor.

After being bombarded with the reality of teen suicide on my way home, (I was listening to the Savage Lovecast, and Dan was talking about another kid who killed himself, Jamey Rodemeyer) I decided that I don’t want to live in this world anymore. I don’t want to kill myself (if some ignorant kid comes up to me to make fun of me for being gay, I am fortunate enough to have more recourse than the children who suffer in the hallways of schools these days); I just want the Grey Space to expand, to take over.

I want to live in a gay world. I want to walk down the street, and know that the only male-female couples I see are gay boys with their fag hags. I want to see hot butches in cargo shorts pushing strollers filled with adopted minority babies, and holding hands with femmed up supermodels. Sounds good, right?! (I’m not trying to leave out my butch on butch couples, or my trans men—I love you all, you’re sexy as hell!)  If only...

I’m sort of kidding—saying I want to live in a “gays only world” is just as bad as homophobes wanting us all to disappear, but, if you think about it, there would be some advantages to living in Homoland. I’ve thought a lot about this, and come up with the ten gayest reasons to want to live in a gay world. I was having a hard time ranking them, so they’re in no particular order. If we lived in a gay world...

1.     Teenage gay kids would stop killing themselves. School would be this wonderful place where young queer kids could safely have crushes on each other (and talk to someone about them without fear of being punched in the face), sport their lisps and high voices with pride, and where butch girls could get all swanked up in tuxes and take their girlfriends to the prom (did I mention that girls in tuxes is a major fantasy of mine?)
2.     Men would stop hitting on me, and I would stop hating men. Every feminine lesbian is with me on this one. I’ve tried everything short of cutting off my hair and buying a ten pack of wife beaters to get the opposite sex to leave me alone, and since nothing else has worked, I’ve had to go the “angry feminist” route, and it’s not pretty.  The other day, this dude was checking me out so hardcore on the street that he almost tripped trying to turn around. Then, of course he spoke to me, saying “hey.” (God they’re so fucking dumb!) I was so sick of men that day that I turned and screamed in his face “I like vagina; leave me alone!” Wouldn’t it be nice if the only time a man ever said “hey” to you on the street was when he wanted to know where you got your shoes or to tell you that you look “fabulous” in the gayest of voices?!
3.     The whole world would be one big Ptown, so it would be cheaper to go to the tip of the Cape than it is now! I love Provincetown! But it’s expensive as hell, and I want to go back without having to break the bank. (If you are feeling like you really do need to live in a gay world for a little while, Ptown is as close as you’re going to get. The drag queens there are all the therapy a girl needs!)
4.     Shows like 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom wouldn’t exist! Every time I get sucked into a show like that, I think “why?!” My sister has like 80 friends who are teen mothers! In a gay world, herpes would be the only thing teenage girls would have to worry about. In fact, we probably wouldn’t have to worry about STIs! I may be making that up (I have this completely unfounded idea that all STIs come from straight men. Maybe I’m in major man-hater mode right now...)
5.     Doctors, nurses, and x-ray technicians would stop asking me if I think I might be pregnant! I hate going to the doctor sometimes. Especially if I’m not seeing my regular physician. I had one x-ray tech ask me 5 times (and I had already signed the form.) And no, I did not have a tummy or anything (I know how you think :-) I mean, I know I’m black, but 5 times?
6.     I wouldn’t have to wonder whether or not that girl on the rowing team is gay (and Kate Moennig would be mine, officially). Sometimes it’s hard for even the gayest of dykes to tell, and it makes dating that much harder (maybe that’s why I love the studs...)
7.     There’d be more and better butch-femme porn! You laugh, but it’s very hard to come by. I’m a little sick of watching straight girls fingering each other and making stupid moaning noises that sound like my dog when he’s annoyed at me. A girl can only use her imagination so much!
8.     My fantasy about getting married to a chick in a tux wouldn’t seem weird. I don’t know if I was the only little kid who had these thoughts, but I used to have this dream where I’d be getting married, and then I’d be on my honeymoon with my husband, and when I undressed him, there was a chick underneath. Best dream ever. But somehow it never seems appropriate to chime in with this little tidbit when the women at work are talking about who they fantasized about as teenagers...
9.     The price of sperm and artificial insemination would go down. This theory is based on the only principle I retained from Bob Piron’s economics class. Supply and demand, baby. Gay boys love to jiz all over the place!
10. The Real World: San Diego would be a lot more interesting. Don’t get me wrong, I’m super excited about the super cute Samantha, but the show would be way more entertaining if there were actually more than one gay girl on at a time!

I’m sure that I’ve left many things out—feel free to reply with your own “perks of living in a gay world!” Thanks for listening!

Peace and love and bugs named Doug,

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