Hello, hello from the Grey Space, and Happy National Coming Out Day! If anyone feels the urge to come out, today is the day! Leave a comment on this post telling us that you’re gay and why!
In honor of this day, I thought I’d take some time to think about the reasons why I’m gay (besides the obvious one). A friend and I have this running joke, and every time we see something that is grossly heterosexual or just gross, we say, “This is why I’m gay!” Here are some prime examples:
We were walking down the street on a hot day, when a man took off his shirt right in front of us. By shirt I mean undershirt (of the wife beater persuasion—we really need to find a better name for this piece of clothing, by the way), and by took off I mean peeled from his hair sweaty man-boob body. If you need a visual, here you go! THIS IS WHY I’M GAY!
Another choice example of a “THIS IS WHY I’M GAY!” moment is the classic hetero male pick up line. Men say the dumbest shit to me! I was at a bar/club, standing at the counter with a friend. A guy comes up and asks me if I want to dance. I say that I’m not feeling the music right now, but maybe later. Not terrible, right? (He did have on a Red Sox hat, but that’s another problem all together.) He goes away and comes back ten minutes later, and this time, rather than say anything to me, he grabs my arm and starts trying to lead me to the dance floor! Excuse me, am I cattle?! I turn when I feel my arm being yanked from its socket, and explain that, while I’m flattered, I don’t really want to dance. I tell him to have a good evening. Nice and polite. He turns to me, and, still holding onto my arm says, “You don’t have to be gay about it. I’m not asking you to marry me; it’s just a dance!” At this point I pull my arm free of his sweaty, Red Sox-loving hand, and say, “Actually, I am gay, so you should probably just walk away now!” But get this—he doesn’t leave me alone. He continues to harass my friends and me for a good hour before I have to explain to Tito, my favorite bouncer, that if he doesn’t remove this man from my proximity, I’m going to up the number of men I have kicked in the groin to 6! I like to call this hetero-phenomenon the “give an inch; take a mile!” For some reason hetero men think that just because you’re not a complete ass to them up front, they have some chance of getting into your pants! This is what I get for being polite?! THIS IS WHY I’M GAY!
Now that I’ve ragged on the poor hetero men out there enough, I guess I can throw in one positive THIS IS WHY I’M GAY! It really has nothing to do with men, and everything to do with women. The fact of the matter is that hetero-normative roles are boring and constraining! As an admitted independent woman, there really is no place for me in the male-female coupled world! Short of ending up with a meek and pathetic excuse for a man who will follow me around like a child or puppy (and I play with children and pet puppies—I don’t want to be in relationships with either!), I don’t know how I’d end up as anything but alone. I have NEVER actually been asked out by a man because they pee their ill-fitting “pants” before they get that far! I’m glad that I’m gay because I don’t think most men could handle the “pants” persona inside of me. How many men do you know who would let me put on a strap-on one day and 2.5 inch heals the next?! I’m not saying that they don’t exist, just that God got it right when he checked the homo box here :-)
Women are freaking beautiful, versatile creatures! They are malleable (in more ways than one ;-), they are dynamic, and they are simply more open to exploration in general. I can wear my “pants” with a thong if I want to, take care of my woman, and still be submissive and allow her to play protector when the mood strikes me. Roles can change at the drop of the hat, and I can put on as many hats as I’d like! And lastly, it has to be said, that women basically can do anything men can do. You show me some death-defying feat, and I’ll find you a woman who can give any XY a run for his money!
Don’t get me wrong, I have a straight brother, and we’re tight. I play ball with straight men, pick up chicks with them, drink with them—I have some pretty great bros out there. They are simply no match for the soft, sensual, sexiness that lies underneath even the butchiest exterior of a woman. Women are amazing, women smell and taste like heaven and fuck like hell. THIS, and really only this, IS WHY I’M GAY!
Happy Gay Day!
Peace and love and bugs named Doug,