Wednesday, October 12, 2011

She's Just Not That Into You

Hey Grey Gals, Guys, and Zhes!

So I have been trying to keep things fairly anonymous in this blog so far, as I’m just getting my feet wet and I’m not sure what I’m doing, but today I feel like I have to share a story about my personal life, if for no other reason than that it may help others avoid the same pitfalls.

Have you seen that movie “He’s Just Not That Into You?” Well, I have, and, although it’s a little cheesy, it teaches a valuable lesson, one that applies to gays as well as straight people.

I have been on a quest to make more meaningful friends. After you leave college, making friends becomes a completely new game, and most of us end up either sticking with our college peeps, or we go out for drinks with out coworkers, the people in our building, et cetera. In general, meeting people outside of work or the building we live in can be pretty difficult. Well, after I broke up with my last girlfriend, and all of her friends (which I thought were our friends...) stopped talking to me, I decided to take things into my own hands. I opted to join a dating site to meet friends. Particularly gay friends. I love my straight friends, but sometimes a girl just needs to Youtube the Mila Kunis/Zoe Saldana short from “After Sex” and talk about just how awesome it is.

So anyway, I joined this site, and have actually made a few good friends. One of my friends, let’s call her Kate, lived in my area, but then moved to Philadelphia for an internship. My little gay town has started to feel small as a result of some classic Lesbian drama, so a few weeks ago, I took a much needed road trip out to visit her. We hit up the local lezzie club, danced it up, and had a blast. I was happy. I thought I had finally found the meaningful friendship I was looking for. I talk to her all the time, we chat and text about my drama, and in particular, we talk about another friend of mine. Let’s call her Amy. Amy and I have this unique friendship (I also met her on this site), and things were going really well (she gets me, and we share a lot of the same interests) until my other friends and Kate started to tell me that my relationship with Amy was strange. “You talk about her a lot,” they said, “and you two talk all the time.”

I must admit that, as a result of my knowing that I was gay at an early age, I don’t have that much experience making new female friends, especially outside of the realm of college (I was always terrified that I’d have feelings for every girl I got close to). So while at first, I dismissed their comments as lezzie gossip, after a while, it started to get to me, and I thought that maybe my naivety was keeping me from seeing what they were talking about. Amy is pretty cute, and there is a certain amount of sexual tension between us, but I really didn’t see anything romantic happening, and didn’t really think about dating her. My friends, however, didn’t let up. They kept telling me that Amy must like me, and this made me start to analyze everything she did. A friendly book drop turned into “why did she go out of her way to bring me these?” and sharing our favorite passages became “she does read a lot of sensual passages to me...” Eventually, it drove me crazy, and I asked Amy about it. The short version is that it made things awkward between us. We stopped talking for about a week.

Then, in light of this drama, I opted to get out of town again, and head to Phili to visit Kate. I went out dancing on Saturday night, with Kate and one of her other friends, and I met this gorgeous girl, and spent all night dancing with her. Kate danced with a girl too, and made out with some random chick. Kate’s friend made out with a blonde Israeli flight attendant! Great night, right? Well, we’re walking back to Kate’s place, and she tells me that she’s frustrated because she wants to know what’s going on between us. “What?” I ask. Apparently, Kate’s friends have been telling her that I must have feelings for her because I talk to her so often, and I have driven hours to come and visit her twice. I was completely blindsided! I had no idea what she was talking about, and I have no feelings for Kate whatsoever. We spent the next hour talking about things, and I explained that their accusations made no sense. I had been talking to Kate about Amy for months! Where in my talking about another woman would she get that I was into her?! And this is when the light bulb went off.

In that movie, “He’s Just Not That Into You,” one of the main male characters explains that women have this tendency to subconsciously lie to their friends, and that they say things like “he must be into you” or “if he’s doing that it means he thinks you’re cute” in order to be nice. I submit that this is absofuckinglotely true! Women think that they are being good friends by implying that someone is interested in their friends, when really, all they’re doing is creating drama and confusion! They often have no idea whether or not a given gesture is rooted in sexual or romantic interest (and how could they?), but who doesn’t want to be sought after, right? May as well tell her that she is wanted; it will make her feel good. Why not, eh?

Why not? Because these embellishments and this gossip do nothing but create problems in our relationship with others, and perpetuate the stereotypical drama that so permeates female friendships! This is doubly true for lesbians because there is so much dating incest in our friends circles. So ladies, stop yourselves. Stop pretending you know what’s in the minds of others, and stop boosting your friends’ egos by spouting truths you can’t possibly be privy to. And, as the friend on the receiving end, stop listening to your crazy female friends! Trust your gut, and act based on what you know, not what’s being whispered in your ear!

On my way back from Phili, I called Amy. I told her that I was sorry that we hadn’t been speaking, and that I should not have listened to the ridiculousness my friends have been spouting. Sexual tension aside, we are friends, and it’s a great friendship. I almost lost her, and I won't make that mistake again.

Lezzies, every woman who is nice to you isn’t interested in you; some people are just nice. And sexual tension is as plentiful in Lesbian friendships as the number of gay men in a spa waiting for a waxing. You deal with it, you get over it, and you keep your friends (or you fuck them, but that’s a story for another day :-)

Peace and love and bugs named Doug,


  1. I think someone needs to write "She's not that into you" and apply the concept to lesbians. Great post!

  2. I completely agree! Thanks for reading :-)